it would be exhausting to list all the things that could possible go wrong and so easy to lose sight of the places where you got it right. all you could do was deal with stuff as it arise and hope things wouldn't get any worse

A Question of Love

Note: so i usually write my blog in english. Pero tong entry na to, may halong tagalog... wala lang...  feel ko lang pong magtagalog... gusto ko lang.. parang bagay sa mood. Kung may reklamo ka, punta ka sa barangay. Mag file ka dun ng complaint. Pero basahin mo muna to. Kung gusto mo lang naman. Pero kung ayaw mo, di wag. Hehe =P

it's the month of february. tis the season of love.  Wala lang.. gusto ko lang sabihin. Angal ka? hehe

ok.... so im just gonna babble from here on.. hehe

You know how weird it is, when we find that “special person”.... that one person who we really really like, if not love....  the “ONE”... Yun tipong sasabihin natin... “Sya na nga...” (feel na feel mo pagsabi nun.. may halong ooooomph! Hehe)...... we start questioning ourselves... We start doubting ourselves...  napaparanoid tayo.... di ba? Diba? Di baaaaaaaaaaa? (ang kulet ko ngayong gabi.. hehe)

I dont about know you, pero ako... ganun akong tao... ang daming pumapasok sa utak kong mga tanong..  I start thinking negative. I start doubting myself. Lol. Mr.Negativity nga daw sabi ng kaibigan ko...

Some people get rid of those feelings.. some dont...  Lucky are those who easily can... too bad for those who can’t... Minsan kasi kahit anong gawin natin, talagang di mawala sa isip natin yung pakiramdam na yun....

I was actually in that state a couple of weeks ago.... i was asking myself some questions which bugged me like hell. oh,and was i depressed.... hehe... i had a hard time doing anyting.... i was stuck for several days.. i spent my time in my room.. just thinking....

-          Do i deserve to be with this person?

-          Mahal nya ba talaga ako?

-          Am i worthy to be with this amazing person? (talagang amazing e!)

-          Can i make that person happy?

So i was asking myself this questions... and i usually end up getting myself on a deeper shithole... more depressed... kasi laging negative ang naiisip ko...

But then i realized, I'm asking myself the wrong questions.... I shouldn't be asking this to myself.. i mean, how the hell would i know the answers... ako ba sya? dapat sa kanya ko to tinatanong...

And then i thought, pano kung iniisip nya rin tong mga tanong na to.... Nagddoubt na rin kaya sya??? Pano na un?

So i kinda alter those questions (a bit....).

-          Does that person deserve to be with me?   (YES)

-          Mahal ko ba sya?    (OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sobra)

-          Does that person worthy of being with me?  (Hell yea!!)

-          Can that person make me happy?    (Definitely) 

Kantahan pa kita... makita lang kitang may ngiti sa mata, makita lang kita ako ay ok na. Makita lang kita ako’y sumasaya basta kausap kita basta’t kasama kita.... (lol. Mcdo pala un.)

Wahhhh! Ang kulet ko na naman.. back to my point...... may point nga ba ako???

Ok.. so i was too busy with all the paranoia, nakalimutan ko na hindi ko dapat to tinatanong sa sarili ko.. sya lang naman makakasagot nun e.. bakit kaya di ko natanong sa kanya yun? Siguro kasi nahihiya ako... siguro kasi natatakot ako na baka negative yung kalabasan... natatakot ako...

waaaaaahhhhhh!!... nakakabaliw ...

At least ngayon alam ko na kung ano kelangan kong gawin... Kelangan kong malaman kung ano nasa isip nya.. kung ano nasa puso nya.. (corny ba? So? Ano naman? Inggit ka lang! bwahahah)

So now, those questions still linger in my head... i still have my doubts... but somehow, na-lessen yung burden ko...

Siguro mawawala lang yung mga yun kapag nalaman ko na kung ano talaga nararamdaman nya... kung ano naiisip nya...

Hindi naman ako nagmamadali.. kaya ko pa naman magtiis.. mahirap, oo... pero hanggat kaya ko, gagawin ko... ganun akong tao e... pag nagmahal, lahat ng kaya ko ibibigay ko...

A lot of first time happened to me last month.. things i never thought i’ll feel...  made me realize how important this person is to me.... papakasalan ko na nga e... hehe  

I hate being this vulnerable... but this time i can’t help it...

it is indeed a question of love.... ang tanong... mahal ka ba nya?

cafs, nics, and a whole lot of unnecessary thoughts

The sadness of being alone... You try to make it through the day without feeling sad and lonely. You try to keep yourself busy to avoid the thoughts you've been trying so hard to suppress. But alas, boredom strikes and your mind is left to wander through uncertainties and insecurities. You start to feel like there's no more hope. Emotions starts rushing through your consciousness and you cant stop it. You're ALONE.

You keep telling yourself it's going to be fine. that happiness is right around the corner. That you're loved and you will always be loved. But why does it feel like you're not? Why does it feel like you were left out? Like you're not connected to the world... As if you're stuck in an alternate reality where you're caged in your own misery. You've fallen into a pit of despair and you're wondering if you'll ever get out. You're LOST.

alone and in despair, you try to comfort yourself. You think of all the good things. You recall happy moments. The times when you're glad and carefree. Reminiscing the hugs, the kisses.. All the intimate moments... Those sweet words you've always long to hear.... The passion of that hard sweet kiss.. the times when your mind is racing and your heart beats uncontrollably... But the loneliness strikes you hard. You start questioning things... Where is it now? You validate yourself.. Are you good enough? you think all is lost. You're PARANOID.

Now you're left with yourself. Alone. Miserable. Lonely. you think about that person whom you want so bad but you don't know if they feel the same way. you think about them the whole day. you feel pathetic. You become needy as much as you don't want to. You want to be by their side... But you cant. Now you're stuck in one place and you don't know what to do. You miss them... You long for them... You're HOPELESS.

tears suddenly starts flowing. You want to stop but you cant. You feel pathetic for crying with no reason. You tell yourself be strong. It's not like you. You shouldn't. then you start to laugh. You find it funny that you're crying for something you should be happy for. It's still there. Even though you're not sure. Even though you don't have it everyday. It's there. You realize... You're IN LOVE. You've fallen so hard that you're afraid of losing it.

That's how it is. Accept it. Face it. You don't give up because you feel sad. You shouldn't say goodbye because you're alone for the moment. There are limits to what you can do. there are limits to what they can do. You can only let go when someone says so. You'll move on even if it's hard. Even if it seems impossible. because you love them. And you don't want to force them to love you back. enjoy the moment. Hope for a better tomorrow but prepare yourself for the worst.

MASKARA

Saan ako ppunta?

Saan lulugar?

Saan ako magtatago?

Paano maglalaho?

Lahat sila'y nagmamaliit. 

Paraan ko'y nilalait.

Kada kilos, kada galaw

Lahat pinakikialamanan.

Palayain nyo ako 

sa mundong mapanloko

Wala na akong kilala dito

Lahat kayo'y hindi totoo

Isip ko'y litong lito

Dito sa mundong walang sinasanto

Isang araw tila isang taong pagkahimbing

nabubuhay na lamang sa mundong madilim

Tibok ng puso'y unti unting tumitigil

Kakayanin pa ba ang buhay na nasisiil?

Sa likod ng masayang ngiti ay isang batang nagtitimpi

nagtitiis at nag iisip, habang buhay mananaginip

Umiiyak, sumisigaw, nag-aasam ng alapaap

Gustong makatakas sa katauhang walang pangarap.

Anino ni Hudas

dadalhin kita sa iyong kaibuturan

sabay tayong tatalon sa apoy ng kasamaan

sa loob ng usok, maabot ang langit

patungo sa lugar kung saan walang mali.

hoy! halika rito.

Ako ang iyong katapusan

dito ang huling hantungan

hoy! halika rito.

sumama ka sa akin at sabay tayong mamamatay

kumapit ka sa aking kamay

at tayo'y maglalakbay

gamit ang pakpak ni hudas,

lilipad tayo sa kawalan.

Huwag matakot sa aking gagawin

ako ang kalayaang di mo makakamit

mawala ka man sa mundo natin

kasiyahan naman ang sasaloobin.

kaligayahan mo'y hindi ipagkakait

buhay mo lamang ang tanging kapalit.

Speak FREE. Shout LOUD. Sing PROUD. If anyone hates it, turn up the volume!

Music is my soul.

Music plays a big role in my life. I grew up in a family that loves singing. My earliest memory of myself singing was when I was just a little boy (maybe around 3 or 4 years old) singing “the greatest love of all”. I remember hearing my sister practicing the song for a competition. She sang it repeatedly that I was able to memorize few lines.

I also love to dance. Tapping your feet, swaying your arms and bobbing your head to the beat of the music. I am not a great dancer,  but when an upbeat music plays and gets me in the mood, I don’t care if I look like an idiot dancing like a madman. 

Don’t you just love it when the music gets you in the right mood?

I have always been in love with music. Be it rock, pop, punk, jazz, alternative, or whatever it is that people listen to; it just completes my day.

I would even go as far as saying I wouldn’t survive in a world without music. Can you imagine that? A world without music? A world with no sounds to soothe your soul? I CAN’T. I WON’T.

It fascinates me that in almost anything we do and however we feel, there’s always that one song that means almost exactly as that moment in time. Happy, sad, angry, in love.... whatever it is, i'm sure you'll find the perfect song for you.

There was always music playing on all of my greatest and worst moments of my life….

“One last cry, before I leave it all behind I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time Stop living a lie I guess I’m down to my last cry” One Last Cry by Brian Mcknight

-high school prom. Last dance with my ex.

“Ang awit ng kabataan, ang awit ng panahon. Hanggang sa kinabukasan awitin natin ngayon.”Awit ng Kabataan by Rivermaya

 

-Pulp 04. Went to an awesome concert then Bamboo started singing one of my favorite songs. I ran towards the stage and joined the mosh pit.

“When you are with me, I’m free, I’m careless I believe. Above all the others we’ll fly. This brings tears to my eyes My Sacrifice.” My Sacrifice by Creed

-Central Colleges of the Philippines. Pop-Rock-Altenative. First battle of the bands. I was 4^th year high school. The electricity went off after our first song and everybody went “wooooohhhh!!!!”

“It's alright, I'm okay I think I can explain. I'm relieved I'm relaxed I'll get over it, yeah” I Think God can explain by Splender

-ok. I change “god” to “I”. That’s just me. But that’s another blog. Hehe.  Nov 10, 2010. I thought I’m gonna lose something very important to me.

“Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo…” HANDSDOWN by Dashboard Confessional

-Nov 21 2010. This song was playing in my head. I was having one of the best days of my life. There wasn’t any occasion. I was just happy. I hope it will continue play in my head for a loooooonnnnng time.

I can go on for hours. I can list every song that reminds me of something. It will never end.

My life is like a big playlist. Every day is a mix of genres and beats. I would never run out of songs to listen to. I would never live a day without music. Every day is a song for me.  Every step I make is a note that completes my song. And even when I die, people will still listen to the music that my life made.

This is what music is for me. This is my tribute to music. Maybe it’s time to do yours.

KING of all DOUBTS

There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don't feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.

Maybe it will change by the next few hours... just maybe... i don't know... call it depression, call it "topak"... I just can't seem to get my mind on the right track today.

Did something change? did i lose something?... i just get that feeling that something awful is gonna happen.

drowning in the sea of uncertainty, i reached out my hand... i held on to my last breath, but no one was there to save me...



someone please save me....