hearts in bloom

i opened my eyes to a wonderful day

spring time comes and the sadness fades away

smiles everywhere, it's a joyful celebration.

So i stepped out of my world with no hesitation.

i was walking past a field of flowers in bloom.

it was like i opened a door to one of heaven's room

oh, what a sight to see! all colors from red, yellow and blue

but nothing compares to the moment i saw you

Sitting by the sea of wonderful creations

your exquisite beauty captured my attention

Time has stopped and my heart started racing

And in my head, i could hear a choir of angels singing

Genuine happiness exudes from your presence alone

and your face can light up a room out on your own

your smile is enough to melt my heart away

This is turning out to be one memorable day

Even with everyone around you, you stand out in the crowd

My head keeps spinning. It's screaming out loud

what should i do? oh heavens please give me a sign.

I am hoping that someday i can make you mine.

but alas, i can only admire you from afar.

i can't seem to move, my mind and body is at war

I'm building up the courage, I've never been this intimidated

Because I'm scared these feelings won't be reciprocated.

Soon the colors will fade and the flowers will wither

but memories will remain and your face i will remember

now every time spring comes and all the flowers bloom,

all i can think of and all i see is you...

Author's note:

- this entry started out as something about the flowers in spring time... and maybe a little bit about love. but it ended more bout love than flowers. I wrote it in parts for about 3 days so the initial ideas were gone by the third day, that's why it turned out to be more about love and all.

-the flower is called "bleeding heart" (oh the irony.. hehe) (aka Dicentra Spectabilis).

-it would be awesome to grow that flower here.
 
-edited most of the lines before i posted this. had to tone down the "cheeeesy-ness" (i know it's not a real word, but for my lack of a better term, lets stick with it.) I mean, i don't have anything against getting a little too mushy or whatever you call it, i'm just trying to avoid any comments like "ang corny mo!" hahahahah

Hitting rock bottom.

March 7, 2011:

[Sigh.....]

So I've been having one of the lowest point in my 23 years of existence. You know... when everything seems so fucked up. Almost everything is at a loss. Nothing seems to be going right.... career... love... life...


Man... Life clearly has a sick and twisted sense of humor... and I'm not laughing...

Why is this happening to me? karma? Fuck it! I don't deserve this shit. I've done some cruel things but I definitely had may fairly charitable moments towards others.


Okay... Maybe I'm just angry at the moment.... angry with life... The fact is, I don't have any one to blame... No one.. except me... Lol. Shit happens... And apparently, it happens wayyyyyyyyy more than "a lot" to me. I hate it, but i have to deal with it. I need to get my life back on track.


Gonna apply for a new job soon. Hopefully within a week or so. I need to act like the overly-confident pompous ass that i used to play so i can get a decent job. And yes, it works. Based on experience, pretending like you're a pro at what you're applying for definitely helps.

So there... I've hit rock bottom.... but i don't plan to stay in this rut for long.

It's funny how i found a little bit of comfort in eating FISHBALL. yep! fishballs! It may seem so dull and underwhelming to find comfort in a street food. but i did. It made me smile.

I remember when i was just a little boy... It was already great for me if i get to eat fishballs for the day. Dadaan si manong magtutulak ng fishball at hihingi ako ng pera sa nanay ko para lang makabili ng fishball. Kailangan ko pang magpacute nun para lang pumayag na kumain ako ng fishball. Ok na yung limang piso tapos sobrang swerte na kung sampung piso ibibigay. SOLB!!!! haha!

We all took simple pleasures in life for granted when we were young. I just now realized that i would eventually find comfort in it now that i'm an adult. Nakakatawa din namang isipin na buti pa ang fishball, singkwenta sentimos pa rin ang isa at mabubusog ka na sa halagang limang piso. Buti pa ang FISHBALL! ^_^

Anyway... Asan na ba ko??? ayun... Rock bottom.. Basta... I'll eventually get my life on track.. soon! pero for now... Kuyang fishball!! asan ka na? pabili ako ng limang pisong fishball tapos paluto na rin ng kikiam! gusto ko tustado! hahahaha



UPDATE!!!!!:

I'm almost done with one of my websites... few more days and i can already pass my resume. Magtuturo na naman po akoOOOOoo!!! hehehe

And i'm happier now. less stressed... less complicated. nakakatulog na ulet ako ng ayos. wala ng gumugulo sa utak ko. wala ng gaanong problemang iniisip. hindi ko na kasi sya kailangan isipin. ayun yun e! wahahaha. peace! bati naman tayo e. ^_^

oh yea.. took down some of my entries. lol. di na kelangan.. di rin naman ata nya nabasa e. haha. i don't mind though... marami naman nagsabi sakin na ang sweet ko naman daw. lol. pampalubag loob na rin. whaahha. amf. sayang naman yung regalo ko. hahaha

here's the face of someone who just hit rock bottom:

it would be exhausting to list all the things that could possible go wrong and so easy to lose sight of the places where you got it right. all you could do was deal with stuff as it arise and hope things wouldn't get any worse

A Question of Love

Note: so i usually write my blog in english. Pero tong entry na to, may halong tagalog... wala lang...  feel ko lang pong magtagalog... gusto ko lang.. parang bagay sa mood. Kung may reklamo ka, punta ka sa barangay. Mag file ka dun ng complaint. Pero basahin mo muna to. Kung gusto mo lang naman. Pero kung ayaw mo, di wag. Hehe =P

it's the month of february. tis the season of love.  Wala lang.. gusto ko lang sabihin. Angal ka? hehe

ok.... so im just gonna babble from here on.. hehe

You know how weird it is, when we find that “special person”.... that one person who we really really like, if not love....  the “ONE”... Yun tipong sasabihin natin... “Sya na nga...” (feel na feel mo pagsabi nun.. may halong ooooomph! Hehe)...... we start questioning ourselves... We start doubting ourselves...  napaparanoid tayo.... di ba? Diba? Di baaaaaaaaaaa? (ang kulet ko ngayong gabi.. hehe)

I dont about know you, pero ako... ganun akong tao... ang daming pumapasok sa utak kong mga tanong..  I start thinking negative. I start doubting myself. Lol. Mr.Negativity nga daw sabi ng kaibigan ko...

Some people get rid of those feelings.. some dont...  Lucky are those who easily can... too bad for those who can’t... Minsan kasi kahit anong gawin natin, talagang di mawala sa isip natin yung pakiramdam na yun....

I was actually in that state a couple of weeks ago.... i was asking myself some questions which bugged me like hell. oh,and was i depressed.... hehe... i had a hard time doing anyting.... i was stuck for several days.. i spent my time in my room.. just thinking....

-          Do i deserve to be with this person?

-          Mahal nya ba talaga ako?

-          Am i worthy to be with this amazing person? (talagang amazing e!)

-          Can i make that person happy?

So i was asking myself this questions... and i usually end up getting myself on a deeper shithole... more depressed... kasi laging negative ang naiisip ko...

But then i realized, I'm asking myself the wrong questions.... I shouldn't be asking this to myself.. i mean, how the hell would i know the answers... ako ba sya? dapat sa kanya ko to tinatanong...

And then i thought, pano kung iniisip nya rin tong mga tanong na to.... Nagddoubt na rin kaya sya??? Pano na un?

So i kinda alter those questions (a bit....).

-          Does that person deserve to be with me?   (YES)

-          Mahal ko ba sya?    (OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sobra)

-          Does that person worthy of being with me?  (Hell yea!!)

-          Can that person make me happy?    (Definitely) 

Kantahan pa kita... makita lang kitang may ngiti sa mata, makita lang kita ako ay ok na. Makita lang kita ako’y sumasaya basta kausap kita basta’t kasama kita.... (lol. Mcdo pala un.)

Wahhhh! Ang kulet ko na naman.. back to my point...... may point nga ba ako???

Ok.. so i was too busy with all the paranoia, nakalimutan ko na hindi ko dapat to tinatanong sa sarili ko.. sya lang naman makakasagot nun e.. bakit kaya di ko natanong sa kanya yun? Siguro kasi nahihiya ako... siguro kasi natatakot ako na baka negative yung kalabasan... natatakot ako...

waaaaaahhhhhh!!... nakakabaliw ...

At least ngayon alam ko na kung ano kelangan kong gawin... Kelangan kong malaman kung ano nasa isip nya.. kung ano nasa puso nya.. (corny ba? So? Ano naman? Inggit ka lang! bwahahah)

So now, those questions still linger in my head... i still have my doubts... but somehow, na-lessen yung burden ko...

Siguro mawawala lang yung mga yun kapag nalaman ko na kung ano talaga nararamdaman nya... kung ano naiisip nya...

Hindi naman ako nagmamadali.. kaya ko pa naman magtiis.. mahirap, oo... pero hanggat kaya ko, gagawin ko... ganun akong tao e... pag nagmahal, lahat ng kaya ko ibibigay ko...

A lot of first time happened to me last month.. things i never thought i’ll feel...  made me realize how important this person is to me.... papakasalan ko na nga e... hehe  

I hate being this vulnerable... but this time i can’t help it...

it is indeed a question of love.... ang tanong... mahal ka ba nya?

cafs, nics, and a whole lot of unnecessary thoughts

The sadness of being alone... You try to make it through the day without feeling sad and lonely. You try to keep yourself busy to avoid the thoughts you've been trying so hard to suppress. But alas, boredom strikes and your mind is left to wander through uncertainties and insecurities. You start to feel like there's no more hope. Emotions starts rushing through your consciousness and you cant stop it. You're ALONE.

You keep telling yourself it's going to be fine. that happiness is right around the corner. That you're loved and you will always be loved. But why does it feel like you're not? Why does it feel like you were left out? Like you're not connected to the world... As if you're stuck in an alternate reality where you're caged in your own misery. You've fallen into a pit of despair and you're wondering if you'll ever get out. You're LOST.

alone and in despair, you try to comfort yourself. You think of all the good things. You recall happy moments. The times when you're glad and carefree. Reminiscing the hugs, the kisses.. All the intimate moments... Those sweet words you've always long to hear.... The passion of that hard sweet kiss.. the times when your mind is racing and your heart beats uncontrollably... But the loneliness strikes you hard. You start questioning things... Where is it now? You validate yourself.. Are you good enough? you think all is lost. You're PARANOID.

Now you're left with yourself. Alone. Miserable. Lonely. you think about that person whom you want so bad but you don't know if they feel the same way. you think about them the whole day. you feel pathetic. You become needy as much as you don't want to. You want to be by their side... But you cant. Now you're stuck in one place and you don't know what to do. You miss them... You long for them... You're HOPELESS.

tears suddenly starts flowing. You want to stop but you cant. You feel pathetic for crying with no reason. You tell yourself be strong. It's not like you. You shouldn't. then you start to laugh. You find it funny that you're crying for something you should be happy for. It's still there. Even though you're not sure. Even though you don't have it everyday. It's there. You realize... You're IN LOVE. You've fallen so hard that you're afraid of losing it.

That's how it is. Accept it. Face it. You don't give up because you feel sad. You shouldn't say goodbye because you're alone for the moment. There are limits to what you can do. there are limits to what they can do. You can only let go when someone says so. You'll move on even if it's hard. Even if it seems impossible. because you love them. And you don't want to force them to love you back. enjoy the moment. Hope for a better tomorrow but prepare yourself for the worst.

MASKARA

Saan ako ppunta?

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Saan ako magtatago?

Paano maglalaho?

Lahat sila'y nagmamaliit. 

Paraan ko'y nilalait.

Kada kilos, kada galaw

Lahat pinakikialamanan.

Palayain nyo ako 

sa mundong mapanloko

Wala na akong kilala dito

Lahat kayo'y hindi totoo

Isip ko'y litong lito

Dito sa mundong walang sinasanto

Isang araw tila isang taong pagkahimbing

nabubuhay na lamang sa mundong madilim

Tibok ng puso'y unti unting tumitigil

Kakayanin pa ba ang buhay na nasisiil?

Sa likod ng masayang ngiti ay isang batang nagtitimpi

nagtitiis at nag iisip, habang buhay mananaginip

Umiiyak, sumisigaw, nag-aasam ng alapaap

Gustong makatakas sa katauhang walang pangarap.

Anino ni Hudas

dadalhin kita sa iyong kaibuturan

sabay tayong tatalon sa apoy ng kasamaan

sa loob ng usok, maabot ang langit

patungo sa lugar kung saan walang mali.

hoy! halika rito.

Ako ang iyong katapusan

dito ang huling hantungan

hoy! halika rito.

sumama ka sa akin at sabay tayong mamamatay

kumapit ka sa aking kamay

at tayo'y maglalakbay

gamit ang pakpak ni hudas,

lilipad tayo sa kawalan.

Huwag matakot sa aking gagawin

ako ang kalayaang di mo makakamit

mawala ka man sa mundo natin

kasiyahan naman ang sasaloobin.

kaligayahan mo'y hindi ipagkakait

buhay mo lamang ang tanging kapalit.